college dropout

i didn't know i had the courage to create a life outside of the social definitions of a "legitimate" career path. for years there had been no bigger sin than doing poorly in school, and leaving school to pursue a dream was so far-fetched it never even crossed my mind. i was okay enduring years of education to become a doctor, a profession i had little interest in, because it was what my parents expected. i accepted this fate so intensely that it seemed like every decision i made was governed by someone else's prescription for my life. with all the things my parents experienced and sacrificed to give me, i figured it was the least i could do to maintain a perfect gpa and keep the asian family happy. i also thought of it as an honor and respect thing.

becoming the perfect pre-med career drone was a sacrifice high school, but as i continued into college, it became unbearable. in high school, i struggled with mental health from deriving my self worth, to a large extent, from what i was able to achieve academically. in college, i developed an unhealthy relationship with drugs, unsafe driving habits, and a complicated and dangerous understanding of the sexual and romantic relationships i developed on campus. i diluted the pain of a meaningless college existence so fluently that my health became compromised by my recklessness, and even further, none of these problems felt significant relative to academia and preparation for the future i thought i was destined to endure.

in amsterdam (study abroad), i realized that i wasn't just going to wake up one day and decide that i was okay accumulating endless student debt pursuing degrees and resume-padding internships that didn't really mean anything to me aside from the approval they'd earn from my parents and a capitalist society. if my 5 year old self saw how willingly i sacrificed all of my passion and creative energy for the promise of a six figure income and an unrewarding office job, she wouldn't understand. if i had to explain my reasoning to her (i don't have enough talent, my parents won't take me seriously, i'll never succeed, etc etc etc), she'd probably be heartbroken. 

so i made a decision that i knew would probably cause my parents to lose their shit and my friends to question my sanity... i was no longer going to put my dreams aside to focus on school, and was instead going to put school aside to focus on my dreams.

life is a work of art, and i want to build something beautiful. i want to spend nights swimming in poetry and finger paints, not drowning in assigned reading. i want to wake up every day excited for life because i don't know what the hell i'm doing but i know i'll have a good ass time.

xo,

hannah